As the holiday season approaches, many of us anticipate joyful reunions with family and friends. However, these gatherings can also bring challenging conversations, especially in today’s polarized climate. Instead of dreading them, arguing heatedly, and suffering a big mental health blow, here are some pro tips (backed by psychology!) for keeping it positive and better for you in the long run.

1. You’re Not Going to Change Their Mind: Psychologically, it’s very hard for someone to let go of their values. Don’t ever enter a controversial topic expecting to convince the other party they’re wrong.

2. Actively Listen: Make them feel heard. Ask thoughtful – not combative – questions. Repeat what they’re saying back to them. Don’t interrupt.

3. Aim for Understanding: Put your points on the back burner. Most likely, this is someone you will have to see again. You’ll have other opportunities to make your point. Your goal for this conversation should be understanding their perspective.

4. It’s Not Personal: This is a hard one. Many of us feel defined by our values and beliefs. Ultimately, the conversation should be about the ideas, not the people. Remember that disagreeing is important for diverse perspectives and a great aspect of humanity.

5. You Don’t Have to Address: Not every different opinion requires a rebuttal. For your own mental health, prioritize when you want to have these conversations.

6. When You MUST Comment: Coming in hot puts others immediately on the defensive. Small, neutral/interested comments like these below maintain a positive tone while still making the speaker second guess their words. After their response, you can change topics or decide if you want to learn more about their views.

• “Can you repeat that? I didn’t quite hear you.”
• “That’s an interesting perspective.”
• “That’s a bold statement.”
• “Why do you think that is?”

People change their perspectives most commonly due to long-term relationships, not one-time, heated conversations. Approaching conversations using the tips above will keep the tone positive, maintain your mental health, make the other party feel heard and understood, and in turn make everyone at the table more likely to respect and listen to your perspective at some later time.